KL's Collection of Various Lawyer Jokes
A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's charge rates.
"$100.00 for every three questions", replied the lawyer.
"Jeez! Isn't that pretty expensive?" asked the man.
"Yep," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"
Have you heard about the lawyers' word processor?
No matter what font size you select, everything comes out in small print.
Jim Doe 1: I'm beginning to get the feeling that my lawyer is too interested in making money.
Jim Doe 2: Really? Why do you say that?
Jim Doe 1: Listen to this, from his invoice: 'March 18th: Thinking about your case during my dreams at night - 8 hours x $200 per hour'
After successfully defending his client in a lawsuit, the lawyer presented him with an invoice. "You can pay $899.00 now," the lawyer said, "then $288 a month for the next 24 months."
"That sounds like buying a car!" the client commented.
The lawyer responded, "That's cos I am."
The reason that there is a penalty for laughing in court is that otherwise, the jury would never be able to hear the lawyer presenting the evidence.
A gang of robbers broke into a lawyers' club by mistake. The old lawyers put up such a fight in defending their lives and their money that the robbers were very happy to escape.
"It ain't so bad," one of the robbers noted. "At least we got $50 between us."
The gang leader screamed with fury: "I warned you to stay clear of lawyers; we had $200 before we broke in!"
Clinton sat in his attorney's office: "Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer said.
"Give me the bad news first."
"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."
"That's the bad news?" asked Clinton incredulously. "The terrible news can't be bad either then!"
"The terrible news is, that the picture is of you and your secretary."
Legal Definitions:
Jury: (noun) -- a collection of people banded together for the purpose of deciding who has hired the better lawyer.
Justice: (noun) -- A decision in your favour.
Contingent fee: (noun) -- If the lawyer does not win your case, the lawyer gets nothing. If the lawyer does win it, you get nothing.
Two lawyers were walking along negotiating a case.
"Look," said one, "let's just be honest with each other."
"Okay, you first," replied the other.
End of the discussion.
An elderly and somewhat hard-of-hearing woman was sitting in a lawyer's office as his lawyer handed him the will he had prepared for her. "$500 should cover my fee," the lawyer said.
Just then, the phone rang and the lawyer got involved with a long call. Thinking the lawyer had said "$5000," the old woman wrote out the cheque, and since the lawyer was still on the phone, she duly left. When the lawyer got off the phone and realised the old woman's mistake, he thought to himself, "Damn it -I really hate these moral dilemmas!! But I suppose I really should do the right thing... and split the money with the other partners."
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many can you afford?
Jack was charged with stealing a BMW, and after a long trial, the jury acquitted him. The next day, however, Jack came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing.
"Your honour," he said, "I'd like to request for a prosecution against that crook lawyer of mine."
"Why?" asked the judge. "He won your case. What do you want to prosecute him for?"
"Well, your honour," replied Jack, "I didn't have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the BMW I stole."
One juror overheard saying to another..."You'll notice that neither the prosecutor or defense attorney swore to tell the truth!"
A lawyer had a jury trial in a very difficult business case. The client who had attended the trial was out of town when the jury came back with its decision, which was in favour of the lawyer and his client.
Overjoyed, the lawyer immediately sent a fax to his client, reading "Justice has triumphed!!"
Straight away, the client faxed back, "Appeal at once!"
"How can I ever thank you?" exclaimed a woman to her lawyer after he had solved her legal troubles.
"My dear woman," the lawyer replied, "ever since the day money was invented 2500 years ago, there has been only one answer to that question."
A doctor and a lawyer in two cars collided on a country road. The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his hip flask.
The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away.
"Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?" asked the doctor.
"Sure, after the police leave," replied the lawyer.
"Lawyers have been known to wrest from reluctant juries triumphant verdicts of acquittal for their clients, even when those clients, as often happens, were clearly and unmistakably innocent."
--Oscar Wilde
A lawyer of merely 35 years of age died and went to heaven. As he stood at
the pearly gates, he protested to St. Peter, "But this has to be wrong. I can't die
yet!! I'm in the prime of my life, my career's great, and I'll soon be made a worldwide
partner. And I'm only 35!!!"
St. Peter thought to himself for a while, and replied, "Well, son, God doesn't make
mistakes, but if you insist, I'll check." Whereupon he turned and floated away.
After 10 minutes or so, St. Peter returned. "Well, young fellow, I've checked, and it
appears that your time has indeed come. You see, although you ARE only 35, but
looking at your time sheets and billing records, your billable hours make you 86."
Murphy's client was charged with murder. Being a dishonest lawyer used to bribing
his way in everything, but knowing that his client's case was weak, he bribed one of the
jurors to hold out for a charge of manslaughter instead of murder.
The jury was out for several days before they returned with the manslaughter verdict, to
Murphy's joy.
When Murphy paid the corrupt juror, he asked him if he had a very difficult time
convincing the other jurors to see things his way.
"Sure did," the juror replied, "the other eleven wanted to acquit."
Two very rich people got divorced, and their lawyers lived happily ever after.
A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said, "I'm here
because my house burned down, and
everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for
everything." "That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer.
"I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my
insurance company also paid for everything."
The lawyer looked somewhat confused. "How do you start a flood?" he asked.
I broke a mirror in my house the other day. I'm supposed to get 7 years bad luck - but my lawyer thinks he can get me 5.
A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast. Butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely." "Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today." The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50. The next day, the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the lawyer: $20 due for a consultation.
A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?"
The housewife replies: "Four!".
The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time."
The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
A KL Oohyeah Production. Copyright
© 1997 KL Wong